In My Mind I Hold The Passion, Panacea For The Poison

It’s the second night I’ve sat in bed with my laptop warming my lap set to blank screen prompting me to type more. I’ve been struggling to gather my thoughts and the further removed I become from writing anything, the harder it becomes to do so. I’ve removed the link to this blog from my Instagram, so the only people that see it now are me and anyone who was intrigued, or bored, enough to commit it to memory. That’s nice because it takes a lot of the pressure off.

What started out as a way to continue to share my thoughts with friends and family off social media quickly dissolved into a prosaic journal of rambling, mostly about things that I can’t remember a mere six months later. I haven’t gone back and read much, but the posts focused on ridding myself of social media no longer seem relevant and I find them cringey and borderline embarrassing. I’m going to leave them and hopefully update this more.

I took the day off today to start a new tattoo project. The appointment finished early and I found myself home staring at a wall trying desperately to find someone to hang out with. This seems to have become a recurring problem, one exacerbated by the lack of solo activities in the cold Connecticut winter. Eventually, I received a call from a friend’s wife and she explained that my friend was upset with me and is “done.” I am the cause of everything wrong in his life. I am paraphrasing, but for a group of bros, there’s a lot of break ups. She said she thinks he needs friends outside of the only group and pointed out that I have other groups when I need a break. If you’ve read my previous entries all of my social frustrations come from seeking a core group of friends and NOT having this nomadic friend group hustle. There’s not resolution there, I just found it particularly interesting that it seems to be a “grass is greener” situation. After hanging up with her, since apparently, I won’t be invited to any reunions for a while, I decided I wasn’t going to stare at the wall depressed until bed. I forced myself to the gym.

I just walked on the treadmill trying to clear my mind of all of my frustrations. I am still waiting for that “breakthrough” the last post talked about. I am frustrated because things still seem out of my control. I’ve laid the ground work and now it’s just a waiting game. Striking prematurely could negatively impact forward momentum. I just keep reminding myself that sometimes you have to take a step backwards to take two steps forwards and that is still the plan, dammit! The foundation is laid. I think maybe applying a little pressure and seeing if anything pops off may be the only thing I can do. I fear my boredom may lead to impulsive actions hindering my plans. Stagnation is my kryptonite.

Things are positive and I still have hope that moves will be made soon. I don’t know why I’m being vague, I don’t believe anyone reads this, but I am a big believer in moving in the shadows and letting the results shine through. In the meantime, I will try to focus on the things I can control; the three things I told myself I’d put energy into in 2025.
– Finances
– Health
– Creativity

There’s a lot more on my mind at the moment, but I think, for now, the last sentence sums up what I want right this second. Perhaps, the next post can talk about that.