113 Days

It’s been a while since my last blog update. 113 days to be exact.
I felt myself spiraling in a chaotic, albeit slow, downfall. I thought maybe I come back and reflect some.

Since my last entry, spring has sprung, I dated a girl, I broke up with said girl, I’ve done some things, I’ve gained some weight, seen some houses, bid some jobs, made some videos, but mostly haven’t progressed. I’m simply going to use this post to help gather my thoughts.

The thing weighing most heavy on my mind right now is probably my physical well being. My confidence is at an all time low. I’ve only gained a few pounds, but I feel gross. Everything does. This isn’t only about aesthetics, but also overall health. I’ve started seeing a Chiro/Sports Medicine doctor and he’s been helping me stretch as my back muscles have been knotting up. I think I’m going to seek some more professional assistance with a fitness journey. I’ve never been one to have low confidence and it is a horrible feeling, however, I am also not the guy to sit here and feel sorry for myself, so rather than wallow in self-pity, I’m going to do something about it and hopefully it’ll be a success.

Unrelated, but a nice segue, I did just end things with another girl. I tried to date my own age and I hated every second of it. I don’t want to put too much weight on the age thing, I think maybe our needs just didn’t align. Looking back at our “communication” (oh, that fucking word…. communication), the things she wanted were completely reasonable, but they weren’t who I am and every conversation just turned into how I could do better under the guise of “compromise.” I had to end it for my own sanity. She’ll thank me in the next few months, I imagine, when I GoodLuckChuck her too.

After we broke up I started thinking maybe it was an age issue. Maybe we didn’t have those years to grow together. She had a pretty hard line on what “maturity” means and I’ve recently learned that there’s no such line. The idea that there is a specific way to act at a certain age is just forcing yourself to live in a box. Maturity, to me, means that you can handle your responsibilities and continue to set and fight to achieve, new goals. This reflection sent me down an uncomfortable path of creeping an ex on social media. It would appear, once again, after a relationship with me, another one was able to find the guy to start a family with. This isn’t a fun pattern for me.

The king of segues, creeping exes is a bad look. It’s been a bad look since the days of LiveJournal, MySpace and AIM away messages and before that. However, we’ve all done it. It’s just one of the toxic habits that social media makes too easy. I’ve found myself the last couple of weeks just back to doom scrolling. Only now I’m aware and just depressed and won’t stop. I’m going to stop again. That’s what this is about, trying to focus on my issues and fixing them. I am hosting my paintball game tomorrow and it does require some social media use. June 1, I’ll break free again. I will start by deleting the apps, but if I find myself still going back, I will deactivate again.

I haven’t been able to find a creative breakthrough, but I have a small list of things I want to create. I need to do a mask for my dude, rewrite the third issue of “Kill Nick Dead,” start sketching more, and making more videos. This post isn’t all negative. I have created two videos for my hiking YouTube channel. I hope to continue with more.

There isn’t much to update on the house hunt front or work front. I’m still feeling stagnant and I’m unhappy about it. With that said, I think this next fortnight is going to prove beneficial. I really need a vacation. I want to take my camper to the land in Upstate NY and just go dark for a week. I’ve just got so much planned and not enough vacation time. I’ll figure it out soon.

I hope.